Entry: Boredom and a Bleeding Heart Oct 20, 2003

    I am sooo bored! I am actually supposed to be writing a paper on heart disease for my stupid nutrition class but I can't seem to find the will to do it!

Well, I was slightly disappointed (yet somehow relieved) that the girl Fernando found didn't show up.  I got to see Eric, and boy, has he gotten FAT!

It's mainly around his his midsection, so I'm betting it's the booze he drinks that sets him up like that.  Man, when to people ever learn?

Today was not too eventful.  I went to school, got a student ID card ( I'd lost my previous one) and got some books for this paper I am supposed to be writing from the school library.  Later on I went to Fernando's house because we were going to work out together as usual.

Fer was completely boring before we went, he just sat there and built his Magic the Gathering deck without speaking so much as a word to me. Meanwhile I tried to watch comedy central over his dog, of which had taken perch on my chest while I reclined in the lazy boy.

When we did finally leave he asked me along the way if I was still interested in getting a job up in park city at the resort.  I said sure, why not? I could use the money, then maybe I can room with you! (I was remembering, how he had mentioned to me before that he had really wanted me to come up there with him.)

However, now he turned to me and said that he didn't think that sharing an apartment will work now.  He said that he wants to date other people and that he knows that it would just ruin our friendship should we share a place.  He said I could maybe live up there too, but in a different apartment all together.  That way he can still hang out with me and what not and he could basically date others without hurting me so much.

Well, that made me feel pretty rotten. 

I wonder what has made him change his mind so suddenly.  I also wonder, what is going on in that mind of his??  What am I to him? Do my thoughts and feelings mean anything to him?  He has said he loves me, he refuses to sleep with other females, let alone date other girls as of now.  But what does it all amount to?

I am pretty confused.  i wish I could just know what he wants.  What I want him to say is that he loves me more than all the rest.  I am his One.   Or, he says, I just think I want you for sex, I don't love you. 

Right now I have a picture in my mind that has him giving the message: "My love for you is artifical.  You mean nothing to me really. I am just using you until I go to Park City, where I am hoping to meet the girl of my dreams who is prettier, thinner, and more atheletic than you.  The only reason I even let you kiss my cheek is because I know I mean something to you, but really, you mean nothing to me.  I will leave you here, and it will mean nothing to me to know you are sad, because I will be perfectly happy."


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